The one where I get all touchy-feely against my will—a/k/a life on the 7:25 “Peaker”

Editor’s note: In the late 2000s, John Korpics was the creative director at Fortune. He lived with his wife and kids way the hell up in Westchester County. Given his long commute, and being the industrious type, he decided to put that dreadful time to use. This column is what he came up with.

First, I would like to welcome my 5 new followers. You represent the best that mankind has to offer and I thank you.

Today I wanted to talk about the 7:25am “Peaker,” which is the morning express peak train into the city. This is the train of choice or people who need to be at work by 9am and want as few stops as possible. Type A people. Type A-holes. I tend to take the next train, the 7:35, which is a local train and a little less intense. But today it’s the 7:25.

Look long and hard at this photo. And now imagine starting every day of your life just like this. Packed to the rivets, industrial strength fluorescent lights, and hundreds of people who dream in the form of a powerpoint presentation. This is why they always have those ads for Aruba on the walls at the end of the train car. “Honey, I’m not sure why, but I think we should take a trip to the islands.”

This is a silent train, which is to say that nobody talks—either on a phone or to another passenger. If someone tries to talk to you, which actually happened to me this morning, you know right away that they’re a rookie, a new commuter, and you briefly think to yourself, “Isn’t that odd. He’s talking to me. Huh.”

And then your coffee starts to wake you up a little more and the look on your face shifts to a look that now says, “Sorry. I don’t mean to cut you off in the middle of that story about your recent relocation, but it’s 7:25 am, and I’m just not the person you wish I was. Goodnight.”

I’m not proud of that. It just is. You’re either tired or hung over or reading or sleeping, but the one thing you are not doing is making conversation.

The other drag about the 7:25 is that it’s full, which means there are no empty seats, which means that someone has to sit “bitch.” (Someone has to sit in the middle seat in a three seat row). In order to do this, you have to gently nudge the person in the outside seat awake, ask to step over them, and then sit down in the middle, which then wakes up the person in the window seat.

If you successfully navigate that obstacle course, then consider this: Of the three average Americans now sitting in these three seats, what do you think the odds are that one of them is morbidly obese?

Turns out they’re pretty good actually. And finally, if the gods are truly against you today, one of the three people that you’re now rubbing arms and thighs with will decide to eat his egg and cheese breakfast out of a Tupperware container.

Jackpot. Picture complete.

Which makes sitting bitch one of the worst experiences you can have on a commute, because the only thing worse than talking to someone at 7:25 in the morning is touching them and smelling their eggs.

That’s it for today. Look at the picture. Look hard. Tomorrow I’m catching the 7:35.

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON TUESDAY, 13 OCTOBER 2009 © JOHN KORPICS

John Korpics is VP/Executive Creative Director at Harvard Business Review. He has served as the design lead at Entertainment Weekly, Esquire, ESPN, Fortune, InStyle, and many other major newsstand magazines. His current commute is much effing easier.

Jason Schneider is a beloved Toronto-based editorial illustrator.