Chapter 10: “Honey, I’m Home”
The one where John returned after a break.
ILLUSTRATION BY JASON SCHNEIDER
Editor’s note: In the late 2000s, John Korpics was the creative director at Fortune. He lived with his wife and kids way the hell up in Westchester County. Given his long commute, and being the industrious type, he decided to put that dreadful time to use. This column is what he came up with.
Judging from the many angry and threatening emails and Facebook postings I’ve received over the last two weeks, I’ve come to realize some things.
The first is that some of you just need to effing relax. I’m not a blogging robot. A “blogbot.” I do it when I can. And when I cant, well, I just can’t.
The second thing I realized is that, like it or not, I seem to have become a small part of many people’s daily routines, like a cup of coffee or blowing your nose in the shower. Just a little something you rely on to make your dark day a little bit brighter.
So when I stopped writing for a few weeks, I guess it was kind of a dick move. And for that, I apologize. And because I love you all so damn much, my apology takes the form of a cute dog picture (below). This is something you see now and then on the train, and no matter how effed up life is, you just have to smile.
A dick move behind a cute dog.
And, as a bonus, I give you the passed-out commuter in the seat behind pulling a dick move and taking up two seats. You’re welcome.
I promise that whenever I see a cute dog tucked into a purse or a jacket or a little dog carrier, I will take a picture and pass it on to you, my loyal readers. So there you go. Have a cute dog.
Also ...
NEW POLICY: If I plan to take a little time away from the blog, you will be duly notified by some sort of official announcement. Something like, “I’m taking next week off—read a book. Love, John.”
Moving on ...
So if you’re interested, I was away in cold and dreary Scandinavia last week talking to lots of black turtleneck-wearing Danes and Norwegians about graphic design and other such things.
I did notice some commuting oddities while I was away, which I will share with you here. First, in Copenhagen everyone rides a bike to work, which I found inspiring at first, especially when I imagined that, with a little gumption, imagination, and some municipal cash, this could be New York.
Why not?
We could build bike lanes, follow the rules of the road, accept the bicycle culture in general, get the cars off the road, and live happily ever after with unicorns, and rainbows, and windmills, and Danish chocolate, just like they do here. New York could become the “Schwinndy City!”
And then I actually rented one of those bikes and drove around Copenhagen for a while, and I realized that, first, I could never do this in a suit, which is something I wear more often than not. Second, I live about 55 miles from my office. So, well … eff that.
And finally, the part I enjoyed the most actually, the bikers over there behave just as badly as drivers over here. They cut each other off, they ding their cute little Danish bells when they’re angry, they tailgate, run red lights, and once in a while they smash into each other and curse in Danish, which is effing awesome.
So for whatever it’s worth, a pissed-off commuter is a global certainty, whether she’s blocking the box with her Denali or running up someone’s ass with his Trek. And frankly, I like my bike, but I love my Lexus.
The other thing I noticed is that nobody wears ties. I was there for a week—in Oslo and Copenhagen—and I don't think I ever saw a tie. I guess we have our business uniform and they have theirs, and I’m not judging or anything, but I’m also not sure how I’d feel living in a land where everyone dressed like Steve Jobs.
Finally, I just thought everyone would like to know that I’m gaining weight.
I’m not an idiot. I’m sure you tolerate my blog entries when I try and wax poetic or make some social commentary, but you mostly enjoy it when life is kicking my ass, so this is for you folks who love it when I suffer. Some combination of less sunlight, a love of pretzels, and my large purchase of Toblerone™ and Gummi™ products at the Copenhagen Airport Duty Free has added about 15 pounds to my delicate frame over the past 3 or 4 weeks.
So if you see me on the train and I’m wearing the truly lame jean/suit jacket combo, it’s not because I think it looks young and hip. It’s because the suit pants that go with that jacket don’t fit right now.
So there. Yet another gift for you my readers. A cute puppy and my fat ass. I guess Christmas came early this year.
ORIGINALLY POSTED ON THURSDAY, 19 NOVEMBER 2009 © JOHN KORPICS
John Korpics is VP/Executive Creative Director at Harvard Business Review. He has served as the design lead at Entertainment Weekly, Esquire, ESPN, Fortune, InStyle, and many other major newsstand magazines. His current commute is much effing easier.
Jason Schneider is a beloved Toronto-based editorial illustrator.